The Red Stick Psychic: Predictions for 2010…..

It may come as somewhat of a surprise to hear that in addition to my interest in skepticism and critical thinking, I am an amateur psychic. And while I would never claim to be as skilled as such luminaries of prognostication as Sylvia Brown or John Edward, I do possess certain abilities heretofore unexplained by western science. On the morning of January 1st I became overcome with images of what was to be. They were fleeting at times, and a coherent narrative was difficult to piece together, but some were more complete. I do not know from whence these visions of the future come, but I do know that they are not merely figments of my imagination or fatigue induced hallucinations. As I have mulled over them for the past few weeks, I have become increasingly confident in their accuracy. But I’ll let you, and history, be the judge.

Sure Bets-you can set your watch to these predictions:

1. A natural disaster will strike somewhere in the world causing great devastation and loss of human life.

2. A celebrity will die, likely one who is young and seemingly healthy.

3. A public figure, perhaps an athlete or religious leader who is held in high regard by many, will fall from grace amid scandalous circumstances.

4. A long beleaguered sports franchise will at last achieve the pinnacle of success by winning a championship contest.

5. A scientific breakthrough will revolutionize the practice of medicine.

Maybe Nots-but I wouldn’t take any chances if I were you:

1. The result of a successful media campaign, sorghum will overtake quinoa as the most popular cereal crop amongst pre-teens and adolescents.

2. The success of Avatar, the groundbreaking 3-D film directed by James Cameron, will lead to a short lived trend of bringing classic films back to the big screen in 3-D format, the first and last, of which will be the 2004 film New York Minute starring Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

3. Print media as we know it will cease to exist as more and more people turn to the internet for news and information, leading to the development of organic USB ports grafted directly into a users neuroendocrine system.

4. NASA will arrange for the shipment of all remaining copies of the Sarah Palin memoir Going Rogue: An American Life into space. A spokesperson for organization will describe the decision as “just the right thing to do”.

5. The origin of Crop Circles, which by late Summer will become increasingly more common around the world, will be revealed as the work of Southern Nebraska Museum of Art and Fixin’s curator Ronda in Belvidere, Nebraska.

You’d Have to be Crazy’s-but isn’t that exactly what “They” would want you to think:

1. Because of a sudden shift in the planet’s magnetic field, August 9th will come after August 10th. This will cause widespread missing of appointments.

2. The Large Hadron Collider will gain sentience on October 4th. Its subsequent war on humanity, and goal of the total annihilation of every living organism on the planet, will be thwarted by an unlikely band of losers led by comedian Dane Cook.

3. Free will, a once treasured aspect of humanity, will become increasingly unpopular as more Americans are assimilated into a mysterious hive-mind, possibly by logging into iTunes.

4. Alien visitors from another galaxy will finally make their presence known to mankind. This historic event will be televised around the world after a reality television competition between world leaders decides who will make first contact. It will be hosted by Ryan Seacrest and judged by former President Jimmy Carter, Japanese Emperor Akihito, and Eugene Levy.

5. Cancer will be cured in late 2010. But not the cancer as we describe it today. The cancer of 2010 will actually be an entirely different affliction, possibly head lice, and it will succumb to a blend of both modern and traditional medicine, and perhaps ghosts.

1 comment so far

  1. […] aside self-doubt and bravely proclaimed his ability to see the future, and woe to those who ignore his prognostications! I know all you closed minded skeptics out there are going to be keeping score, but I’ll bet […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: